Winning the Blame Game

by Sara Arey

Think of some things that bother you.  Stuff from childhood.  Irritations with a spouse, with children.  Being cut off in traffic.  People not doing their jobs – or not doing them well.  Places where you have to take up the slack when it isn’t even your job to start with.

Whose fault are those things?

Who’s responsible?

Who’s to blame? 

Did you have names and faces pop to mind?

Did you answer, “No one” because you think that’s the “right” answer?  How do you REALLY feel?

Part of the work I do with clients is to energetically release everyone they’ve blamed for a certain situation – which includes blaming themselves.  This is a crucial part of the releasing process and it goes way beyond half-hearted or mind-only forgiveness.

When you blame someone – whether it’s someone else or yourself – it keeps you tied up with what happened.  You’re still energetically and emotionally bound to that event in the past.

Let’s look at what happens when someone cuts you off in traffic.  (Of course, you can apply all this to any event in your life.)

If you get angry and think, “I can’t BELIEVE they just did that!”, then you’re taking what happened personally.  It’s the same as saying, “I can’t BELIEVE they did that TO ME!” or  “How dare they do that to me!”  They are the aggressor.  You are the victim.


Do you let it set the tone for your day?  Do you let it affect your relationship with the other people in your car or the first people you see when you get where you’re going?

That’s an awful lot of power to give to someone you’ll probably never actually meet.

And just what is it that you’re blaming them for?

For being stupid?  Making a poor decision in a moment isn’t the same as being stupid.  Thank goodness, because my guess is that you’re human and you’ve made a few decisions that you or someone else might have later thought were … not your best.

For inconveniencing you?  Well, maybe you had to step on the brake or swerve.  Does that warrant so much anger and blame?

For endangering you?  But you’re okay, right?  If you ended up in an accident and had physical issues to deal with, wouldn’t you rather have all your energy focused on healing?

For scaring you?  Ah!  This is more the heart of it.  Very often when we’re scared, we express it as anger.  When you saw that person pull out, you – or part of you – felt scared.  OK.  That’s what happened.  And it’s over now.  Zebras don’t stand around rehashing what happened after the lions are gone.  They go back to eating.  They live in the present.


Picture the channel that allows love, abundance and joy to flow to and from you.  What happens to it when you’re feeling blame and anger?  When you see yourself as the victim?  It gets narrower.

So what are the alternatives?

Well, you can acknowledge your fear – and then choose to let it go.

You can feel a sense of accomplishment in having avoided an accident.

You can feel grateful for quick reflexes and having spotted what was happening.  For a car that has good brakes and responds so well to you.

You can use it as a chance to send a loving thought to someone who probably needs it.  Something like, “Wow!  I’ll bet that scared you, too.  I wish you a safe drive to wherever you’re going.”

What’s happening to your channel now?

Let’s face it – loving, forgiving and releasing are always best for you.  They are what will bring you the most joy, the most love and the most abundance.

The only way to win the blame game is to stop playing.

After doing a process on releasing blame, a client I was working with last week sat quietly, a smile dawning across her face.  In a voice of wonder and peace, she said, “When there’s no blame, there’s no struggle.”

What struggles are you ready to give up now?

Comments 2

  1. Hi Sara,

    I always feel a big “stopper” when I read about “choosing to let something go.” In this case that you talk about, getting cut off in traffic, I find that it’s really crucial for me to sit with that feeling of having being scared, and then to have the intention of letting it go. The word “choosing” for me places it in my head as an act of willpower, whereas sitting with the intention keeps in it my heart.

    This is just a huge trigger for me — that so much of today’s energy medicine psychobabble can involve phrases like “Just CHOOSE to let it go” as if it were that easy! It can contribute to my feeling that there must be something wrong with me if I’m still feeling upset about something. My inner bully can come right out and occupy the whole stage!

    I know you well enough to know that that’s not at all what you were trying to convey! You are so in your heart. I just wanted to tell you about what happened to me when I read that. There’s a TAT for THAT!

    Blessings to you. Thanks for your writings!

  2. Post

    Hi, Marilyn –

    Thanks so much for your comment and for sharing how it is for you.

    I agree – allowing our feelings is crucial. I’m glad you know me that well. 😉

    What I meant in the article is that STAYING there is the problem. Are zebras afraid while being chased by the lions? I sure think so. Do they stay there after it’s over? Not once they’ve calmed down. It’s probably not the topic of conversation at the watering hole.

    I love how you notice the effect the word choose has for you – bringing you from your heart to your head. I tend to think of it as “the truth of me” (or just “ME”) to “not me”. “Not me” includes my fears, my feelings, my identifications, my past, my limiting beliefs.

    This isn’t to say that these thing don’t have merit and don’t have their place, AND they aren’t part of the eternal me that goes beyond all time and all place.

    And as you said, the best way to get from “not me” back to “ME”, is to recognize, acknowledge and accept all the “not me” stuff, to love it and all the parts of me who thought, felt and believed all that.

    Have you seen my video on allowing? It’s here, in case you haven’t. It demonstrates this in a really clear way.

    Thanks again for commenting, Marilyn.

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