A Key to Shifting Fears

I often work with clients on fears that are undermining their self-confidence. We release the fears and what’s related to them, but it can also help to understand the mechanism of fear itself.

A common reaction is to resent the fears and the effect they have on you, which means you’re missing a key part of the picture.

Here’s a story that will help you understand that key piece.

When I was just out of college, I lived 6 hours from my parents.

I’d come home to visit and EVERY TIME as I was about to leave my dad would ask The Dad Questions.

  • Do you have enough gas in the car?
  • Have you checked the oil lately?
  • Are you awake enough to drive back?


Two years before that I was living in France. I’d traveled across countries without his really knowing where I was.

And now he thought I couldn’t handle a 6-hour drive.  He didn’t think I could take care of myself.

I can’t tell you how frustrated I’d get at his lack of confidence in me.

Then one day it hit me – I had it totally wrong.

What my dad was really saying was:

  • I love you.
  • You’re precious to me.
  • It’s important to me that you’re safe and okay.

Getting this changed everything for me.

I saw that I had completely misunderstood him because of my need to be independent and, honestly, my nervousness that maybe I couldn’t do this on my own.

The reason this is important for you is that this is true with those fears and worries that YOU have.

Things like:

  • What if my business isn’t a success?
  • What if I can’t do this?
  • What if something happens and I lose everything?

It’s so easy to feel beaten down by those thoughts and fears! You feel at the mercy of them and what they do to your self-confidence.

But what if you’re completely misunderstanding them?

You see, these fears are a part of you saying:

  • I love you.
  • You’re precious to me.
  • It’s important to me that you’re safe and okay.

Can you hear it that way?

Sometimes it’s hard to – really hard to. You get caught up in the story and what it all means to you.

With my dad, I laughingly suggested one day that he make a list of all the reminders he wanted to give me. That way, he could just say something like, “1-25 and especially 13 and 14”. Short and easy.

That’s what he says now and I LOVE it. It’s a little joke between the two of us.

Each time he says it, I feel his love for me and I know that my being safe in the world matters to him.

And I also feel my confidence in myself and in Life. My sure knowledge that I AM safe and okay.  Always.

And this is the state I help clients get to, so that when they have a fear come up, they can meet it with loving compassion. They can hear the love that’s underneath the fear.

In fact, that’s what happens in sessions. We get to the love that’s underneath the fear and underneath the story. Once the love is accessed and accepted, the fear and story naturally dissolve, leaving a profound sense peace and spaciousness.

Can you hear the love under some of your fears? Sharing it in the comments section below can help it be more real for you. And we all benefit when someone shares the love.


Comments 2

  1. This is great Sara. Thanks for the clarity on this one. I have all of these fears and have been caught up in them lately. I keep thinking I’m a failure because I’m not making enough money yet but then I look at my list of potential prospects and it is 43 entries long and I started less than five months ago. I already have clients and a lead pipeline! That’s something to celebrate. I’ve been too caught up in getting everything right to celebrate.
    I had a similar interaction with my dad yesterday — he’s a perfectionist and loves pointing out flaws so I make them into a joke and blow them out of proportion with him (you missed a spot on that pan–wow, that could have been critical). The reality is he only wants the best for us and from us so that we can have great lives and be happy. His delivery sucks but you’ve helped me see what’s really going on. Thanks for your insights! xo ay

    1. Post

      Thank you for sharing this, Amanda. Being able to hear the love behind the words does make an incredible difference.

      Celebrating your successes with you!

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